Scared of Writing

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I’ve been avoiding writing this post because I kept denying what’s been happening to me. Basically, I was on a roll with my new Dark Fantasy Romance WIP (about 93K in less than a month!), but suddenly…well…I stopped.

At first, I kept saying it was because I had just finished university, and that after four years of knowing what was coming year after year, and suddenly being unsure, that that must have been why. I mean, now I’m spending my full days (and almost nights) packing the house, getting rid of stuff, getting ready to move.

But as time went by, and I’d just avoid writing completely, I started figuring out that it wasn’t just my daily life and unsure future that was bothering me, but that it was also…well, writing.

No matter how much I try, every time I sit in front of my screen, the words are there, the story is finished inside my head, but I just can’t write because I’m scared. All I can see is reaching the end.

Going through edits, beta readers, a CP (if I’m lucky!), edits, edits, rewrites, edits – and all that is fine – I enjoy this bit and I think that with every round, there needs to be less and less edits because I learned from my previous mistakes.

But…then there’s the query, and the editing of that query, the rewrite, the edit, the thinking it’s good, but it’s not, the scrap and restart, the professional editing despite not enough money and less food for the month, and still, it’s still just not good. The taking of a 100K manuscript and getting it down to 250 words that beg an agent/publisher to give it a chance, condensing it to 140 characters that scream, in a sea of hundreds of other manuscripts “pick me!” in a contest. The one-page synopsis that tells your whole story in its barest of forms while still being interesting enough for someone to say “Yes, I’d like to reread everything even though I know the ending.”

This. Exactly this is what I see every time I look at my WIP, and every time I try to start writing, I don’t. I have this WIP to finish, and another one I’ve outlined already, but all I can see are all the after steps I hate them so much that I just end up closing scrivener and doing anything else.

I love to write, I really do, but writing the story is only fifty percent of why I love to write – the other half is the dream…no, the goal of being published. But to go down the road of subjectivity, one must go through the query, the synopsis, even the contests. If I can’t bare the thought of doing this all over again, how can I write?

I know it’s probably something that’ll pass, and right now, I think that concentrating on just the writing itself will be something I’ll just need to force myself to do, but it isn’t easy. I feel like my dream isn’t attainable at all, and it just cuts away all motivation. And I know that first manuscripts are rarely the first ones authors get published, but being that the one I was querying is my nineteenth…it just feels like seeing my novel in bookstore isn’t ever going to happen.

Right now, I’ve stopped querying my Paranormal Mystery since an awesome author offered to read it and help me out, and so far, I’ve been loving the back and forth – a brand new experience for me that I’m really learning from, fantastic critiques that get me excited to work on it again and make it great – so that is my one shinning light right now. Let’s just hope it rubs off onto the WIP.

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